By Dana Kerford, Founder of URSTRONG

Not long ago, I was talking to someone who was going through a really tough time. Gently, I suggested they might consider seeing a therapist for some extra support. They smiled and said something I haven’t stopped thinking about: “I don’t need a therapist… I have my best friend.”

It was simple and incredibly powerful. And, it made sense to me because I have best friends too. I met my very first best friend, Sophie, when I was 12 years old. I felt safe with her and I loved the daily-ness of our best friendship. Sharing the small, trivial things felt just as important as sharing the big, hard things. This created a depth of connection where we felt we knew each other even better than our families knew us. Sophie is still one of my best friends today, but I have also been lucky to have formed lots of best friends in my travels around the world. Sydney besties, Noosa besties, Calgary besties, Work besties…

There is nothing quite like having best friends.

Best friends are that soft place to land when life feels hard. They sit beside you in the messy moments. They remind you who you are when you’ve forgotten. They make the heavy things feel lighter – just by being there.

It’s that Winnie the Pooh and Piglet kind of friendship… quiet, steady, and deeply comforting.

When we look at the research, the importance of close friendships isn’t just a Nice-to-Have, it’s a Must-Have.

Studies consistently show that children with strong, connected friendships are less likely to experience bullying, are more resilient in the face of challenges, and are better protected against loneliness, anxiety, and depression. In fact, having even one close, supportive friendship is considered one of the strongest protective factors for a child’s wellbeing (Bagwell & Schmidt, 2011; Bukowski, Laursen, & Rubin, 2018). Green-Zone friendships are serious business!

This is where an important distinction comes in – one that’s been highlighted by Dr. Vivek Murthy, former US Surgeon General, in his work on loneliness. He explains that social isolation and loneliness are not the same thing.

  • Social isolation is when we don’t have people around us.
  • Loneliness is when we don’t have close, meaningful connections.

In other words, a child can be surrounded by peers all day at school and still feel deeply lonely if they don’t have a trusted, close friend. As Dr. Murthy shares, “Loneliness is not just about being alone. It’s about feeling alone.”

And, sadly, a 2017 report from the University of Melbourne determined that:

  • 1 in 10 pre-school children say they are lonely and unhappy with their social relationships
  • 1 in 5 children aged 7-12 years old say they are lonely sometimes or often
  • 4 out of 5 adolescents report feelings of loneliness at some time, and almost a third describe these feelings as persistent and painful

That’s why best friends matter so much. They’re not about popularity. They’re not about numbers. They’re about connection.

And yet, despite the research, I have heard hesitation from educators and parents over the years around the term “best friends.” There’s a fear that it feels exclusive or it might leave others out. But here’s the reframe I always come back to: Close friendships and inclusivity can coexist. 

In Friendology, we teach students that quality is more important than quantity when it comes to friendship. It’s not about how many friends you have – it’s about how those friendships make you feel. Do you feel safe? Respected? Valued? Is your friendship in the greenest Green-Zone?

Psychotherapist Esther Perel frequently says it beautifully: “Above all, it’s the quality of your relationships that will determine the quality of your life.”

When children feel secure in their close friendships, they’re often more confident, more empathetic, and more open to others…not less. Those strong connections actually give them the foundation to be kind, inclusive, and welcoming in other relationships too.

Another important shift we teach is that children can have more than one best friend, like I do. Friendships are dynamic. A child or teenager might have a best friend at school, another on their sports team, and another in their neighbourhood. They might have a best friend who moved schools, while they’re making a close connection with a new bestie.

One of our core concepts from our Friendship Facts is Friendship Fact #3: Trust and Respect are the most important qualities of a friendship. A true best friend is someone who has your back. Someone who treats you with kindness and honesty. Someone who makes you feel safe to be yourself.

As children get older, we also introduce an important distinction: the difference between fitting-in and belonging. Fitting-in is when you change yourself to be accepted. Belonging is when you can be fully yourself and feel accepted just as you are. Best friends are the people you belong with.

You feel complete with them.
You feel at home. It’s natural. It’s easy. It’s meant to be.

In Friendology, we use lots of powerful metpahors. One of the ways we talk about friendship is by getting kids to think about how some friendships are like a garden of flowers – bright, fun, and full of joy. But our closest friendships are like trees. They have deep roots, built on trust and respect. They can weather storms. They grow stronger over time.

And when life gets hard, those are the friendships we lean on.

Rather than being fearful of the term “best friends”, our goal should be to teach children how to build deep, connected friendships, while still being part of a kind and friendly community. Both matter! Because when children and teens have those deep, trusting connections – alongside the skills to include and care for others – they don’t just survive socially…they thrive.

That conversation I had keeps coming back to me. “I don’t need a therapist… I have my best friend.” And, I get it. While there is a time and place for a therapist, best friendships can be equally as supportive. My wish is that all children have best friends…and lots of them.